


A Series of Really Poor Choices.

by jannika



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-31
Updated: 2010-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-20 02:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jannika/pseuds/jannika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James and Logan having been sneaking around, Kendall hates secrets, Logan knows this will end badly, James googles  polyamory, Carlos tries to be understanding, and takes them awhile to rebuild. Slow burning 0t4 fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Series of Really Poor Choices.

It’s not like he’s in love with James. Really. He’s not. Logan is absolutely, one hundred percent, not in love with James. Except, ok, except for all of those little moments when he kind of is. It doesn’t make any sense, because Logan knows, hell he’s pretty sure James and Camille and probably Mrs. Knight know, that he’s been in love with Kendall for his entire life. So this James thing is just a thing. Just a making out and hands under shirts and in pants thing that no one ever has to know about.

Only. He’s never made out with anyone who wasn’t James- not really, and he’s definitely never done more than make out with anyone else, and he does love James because they’re best friends and because James is James. It’s all confusing and gray areas and sometimes he loses sight of everything in his life for a minute because of these things James keeps doing. Like the time after the whole sneaker disaster when Mrs. Knight keeps giving them these looks that say,

_“I’m here. I’m open minded and supportive and hey, I give good advice.”_

And they kind of blush and ignore them but later James says,

“What do you think she thinks is going on?” while he’s got Logan all pushed up against a closet door and has his hand under Logan’s shirt, and he’s all smirks and hair all out of place and it is a horribly inappropriate time to be talking about Mrs. Knight, or talking at all. Somehow, though, the way James says it, the way James actually voices it at all, with his cheeks all flushed and his eyes playful is not only crazy endearing, but makes it all a million times less terrifying.

Then, on Christmas, later in the day when Carlos is passed out in some sort of food coma and Katie has  
challenged Kendall to a Sorry championship and Gustavo, Bitters, Kelly and Mrs. Knight have all had several glasses of wine; James pulls Logan into his room, and he’s tied bandanas to look like mistletoe over his bed.  
It takes Logan a full minute to recover from that one, and then he stammers out,

“How would you have pulled that off in Minnesota?” And James grins, big and bright and just for Logan and says,

“I would have figure something out,” And Logan completely believes him, and the hour they sneak is one of the things from that Christmas that burns in his mind the deepest, despite everything else that’s happened.

It’s those moments, and a hundred other little things like smiles and whispered comments and inside jokes and the scent of hair products on his sheets and that time in the shower that make Logan question everything he’s ever thought. Not just the moments themselves, but how happy he is in them, how happy he is looking back at them, how happy and warm and content and safe. It’s easy, even when in the midst of all the secrets and sneaking.

There is part of Logan, though. This quiet little part, this little voice at night that questions it all. This little voice that wonders if maybe it’s all a lie. If maybe he’s a terrible person. If maybe all those little moments only feel like falling in love because he desperately needs them to. If all those moments stand out because if this is just a thing, if it is just that making out, then he and James are on the path to something terrible. If they’re not something more, then when Kendall and Carlos and everyone find out (And he’s a genius, so this voice, unlike the two during the day, gets that they will get caught eventually. He knows that.) And it destroys them it will have all been for lust, and part of Logan is pretty sure he just can’t deal with that. If he’s not in love with James, then he’s actively betraying his friends for some passing teenage hormones, and he’s not sure how to forgive himself for that. Not sure if he could.

Not sure if he’ll need to. Because then he drifts off all feelings and doubt, and wakes up half convinced they’ll never get caught and it doesn’t matter and half convinced he’s falling in love with James. It never leads to anything but more kissing, more closets and other secret places they’ve found throughout the Palmwoods.

Sometimes, he thinks they should talk about it, but he has no idea what he wants to say and even less of an idea what he wants to hear James say. So they just keep kissing.

***

James keeps having these nightmares where Kendall kills him. Like, where Kendall actually murders him with a series of really, really painful weapons. They keep getting more brutal and horrific. There are never any words spoken or reason given, but even his dreams, James knows he probably deserves it.

He’s not the smartest guy in the world, but can read between lines and get hints pretty well, and he knows that Logan is and always has been Kendall’s. It was never even a question, just one of those things, that even when they were kids and just hitting puberty and didn’t even know what any of their feelings about anything meant, was obviously how things would always be. It was always going to be Kendall and Logan and Logan and Kendall and the end and sunsets and happily ever after.

But.

Kendall doesn’t seem to get that yet. He doesn’t actually seem to get any part of it. He seems to actually believe sometimes that he and Jo are a real couple. It’s weird. James keeps waiting for him to stop pretending he’s into girls and start pulling Logan onto his lap, but it hasn’t happened yet. And James. James is impulsive. And horny. And Logan is really, really hot. And ever since summer Logan had seemed- if not tired of waiting, then maybe looking for something to kill all that time while he waited. So there was this moment when it had seemed kind of perfect. He was waiting for his own happy ending and sunset, and he really, really didn’t want to pretend to enjoy kissing girls anymore- and there was Logan.

The first few times, he thinks that would have been ok. Friends make out and stuff sometimes, right? It’s a thing. People do that. He’s sure of it. It’s just. That it didn’t stop. That it hasn’t stopped. That he doesn’t want it to. It’s that sometimes when they’re on the floor of some storage room they stole the key to; he kind of thinks maybe he could stay there forever. With Logan. Which is bad. Really, really bad.

The longer he kisses Logan, the longer he spends hours learning all the lines and curves of Logan’s body, the longer they spend together, the more they start whispering and laughing together and sharing things- the more he swears he can feel Kendall’s eyes on him all the time.

He thinks it should probably stopping him from kissing Logan. That whole, Kendall might actually kill him thing. (That and. Well. Carlos. Always, always Carlos.) It doesn’t though. He can’t seem to stop himself. He’s never been good at telling himself, ‘no,’ and complicated things are harder. Logan is the most complicated thing ever.

***

One day, on the floor of the downstairs bathroom in 2J, James says,

“Have I ever said thank you?” And Logan says,

“For what?” And James walks his fingers up Logan’s chest and says,

“For not being at doctor prep school right now. We need you here.” It is dangerously, alarmingly close to all the things they never talk about. It hits Logan somewhere in the chest warm and deep and melting. He’s grateful and overwhelmed and he wants to say a million things back but can’t make himself say any of them. So he just goes with,

“You just did,” and kiss James again.

***

They make a rule sometime in February. They don’t talk about what it means or why they’re doing it, but they agree it’s for the best. They decide they really, really shouldn’t bring up Kendall or Carlos unless they’re both fully clothed ever again.

***

Logan researches things he doesn’t understand. Always. As a life rule. So one day when he’s feeling brave he opens his computer and hopes the internet knows how he can have loved Kendall for his entire life but still have all these feelings about James. Some of what he finds he kind of wishes he hadn’t, some of it isn’t even a little bit helpful, but some of it becomes less ridiculous the longer he reads about it. Less ridiculous in a probably impossible sort of way, but still, it’s kind of comforting to see that maybe, just maybe there is a way out of this.

That night, sitting in the back of their Big Time Rush Mobile overlooking LA (Years later, when they look back, they’ll never understand how they managed to sneak off so often, but there is this window that Winter when it’s almost easy.) Logan asks, almost whispers,

“Have you ever heard of polyamory?” James frowns and crinkles his eyebrows a little.

“Isn’t that like, an orgy?” He asks. Logan makes a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

“Never mind,” he says, putting his head on James’ shoulder.

***

It’s almost Spring, and they’ve just shot a music video and have a concert right around the corner and Griffin and the label are really, really trying to get radio play for their newest single and fame is so close they can almost actually see it, when Kendall and James get into a fight.

They’re home alone- or at least in 2J alone, and it starts small, space on the couch and Kendall’s raised eyebrow at the body glitter James may or may not be wearing. James probably shouldn’t snap back at that, because hey, even he knows the glitter thing is a bit much for a Tuesday, but he’s been feeling so damn jumpy around Kendall lately anyway that he can’t help himself. He says something back about Kendall’s stupid shirt, and before they know it they’re on the floor, rolling around and sweating and cursing a little. It’s not real fighting, they’re not actually all that mad, until Kendall catches sight of something on the skin where James shirt is all pulled down by his collar bone.

“What is that?” He asks, touching the spot- and James’ is pretty sure friends don’t touch each other’s necks when they’re on top of those friends, but whatever. Now really isn’t the time for that. He attempts a smirk and a joke, but it comes out all breathless and like, well, like he’s guilty and Kendall is straddling him.

“What do you think it is?”

“I haven’t seen you go on a real date in like, six months,” Kendall accuses, and his finger is _still_ on James’ neck.

“I didn’t know I had to clear my dates with you,” James tries, because being angry at Kendall is always pretty easy to get in to.

“Since when do we hide things from each other?” Kendall throws back.

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“I think you are,” Kendall says.

“You’re ridiculous,” James says, and ok, if Kendall doesn’t get off him soon and stop touching him they might have a serious problem here.

“You’re wearing sparkles and keeping secrets!”

“It is Body Glitter for Men. And I am not.”

“I think Katie had the same thing when she was 7,” Kendall says, and James could swear he actually like, rolls his hips a little when he does. Which. This is really bad. “And just tell me,” Kendall finishes

“You are jealous. Of my body glitter and my hickey,” James says.

“I am not,” Kendall says, pouting and looking slightly childish, a look that is really out of place with his hip placement.

“You should be,” James says and then winces and hopes that somehow Kendall didn’t hear him.

“I should be?” Kendall repeats. _Fuck._ James looks away, trying not to panic.

“Kendall. Here’s an idea. Get off me,” He says, switching tactics.

“James. Here’s an idea. Tell me,” Kendall says, and if anything he presses himself on top of James more firmly. This would all probably be easier if James actually minded having Kendall on top of him.

“Screw you. I don’t have to tell you everything,” James says, throwing anything out there now, hoping an argument will stick and distract Kendall.

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Why won’t you let it go?”

“Because you won’t tell me!”Kendall says, his eyebrows doing this ridiculous thing he must think is intimidating.

“Get over it and get off me,” James says.

“Not till you tell me.”

“Really, Kendall? Are we five now?” James asks and Kendall’s face does this thing that James has never seen before and his hips roll again, this time James is sure it’s on purpose, and he says,

“No, we’re not five,” and then he leans down and kisses James. He kisses him hard and angry like it’s part of the fight and James kisses back for about thirty seconds before it hits him that this is the worst thing he could possibly be doing and he pulls back.

“Fuck you, Kendall.” He says.

“What?” Kendall asks, all flushed and irritatingly sexy and James hates him so much right now that he kisses him again, just for second. Because making good choices is hard. And hips. And his neck. And Kendall. And that thing where anger and lust feel like they might be the same sometimes. He stops himself though, pulls back again, and glares at Kendall, willing himself not to lean in again.

“You’re an idiot,” James says, because he can’t think of anything else, because he is still torn between angry and turned on.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. And dude, seriously Get off of me,” James says, this time shoving Kendall a little. Kendall does move, sits up a little and lets James crawl out from under him. They just look at each other for a minute, breathing heavy. Kendall looks hurt and confused and angry. It should be enough, but it’s not. It’s not enough because James is feeling a million things right now and none of them are good and they all kind of make him want to throw up. Angry and Kendall is the easiest feeling to deal with. So when Kendall meets his eyes and asks,

“Why am I an idiot?” James makes another really stupid choice that will probably make things worse for everyone and says,

“Because I’ve had sex with Logan. And you haven’t.”

And that’s when their fight actually begins.

***

Logan walks into a 2J that looks like a bomb has fallen. He and Carlos are returning from a dance lesson with Mr. X, he’d wanted them in pairs today, and from the doorway he can tell everything in his world has just changed.

“Is it true?” Kendall asks, whirling on him as soon as he walks in the door. Logan swallows and has no idea what to say.

“Is what true?” Carlos asks.

“Carlos,” Kendall says, and James winces and something in Logan starts to shake, “did you know that the four of us keep secrets now? Because I didn’t know. But James and Logan seem to think we should.”

“What?” Carlos asks, crossing his arms and staring at James.

“Secrets. You should ask James what happened to his neck. Or about how all the sex he’s apparently having is.” Kendall says, scathing and harsh and Logan wants to shrink into himself forever because this is the worst possible way this could be happening. James mouths,

“I’m sorry,” to Logan, before turning to Kendall, opening his mouth just as Carlos says,

“What does that have to do with Log-oh. _Oh._ ” His voice tiny and his arms digging into his sides.

“You are unbelievable,” James says, eyes locked on Kendall.

“Me?” Kendall throws out, looking a little stunned to go with his furious.

“Do you even know why you’re angry?” James asks, and Logan really, really wishes he wouldn’t, “do you have any idea why you just said what you did to Carlos? Do you actually know what’s going on here at all, Kendall?” James finishes. It’s probably the bravest thing any of the four of them have ever said, and it hangs in the air, challenging and raw.

“I am angry because I- we- Carlos and I have been being lied to. By two of our best friends!” Kendall says, and Logan’s heart breaks a little, even though it shouldn’t. It’s not like he expected everything to magically click in place for Kendall.

“I swear to god, if you start giving some Kendall speech about the importance of friendship,” James starts. Logan doesn’t think he’s ever seen him this angry.

“You’ll what, James?” Kendall cuts him off, “make out with Logan? Because you already did that! You haven’t even said you’re sorry!”

“Sorry for what?” James spits.

“For keeping secrets and ruining things!” Kendall yells.

“Ruining what?”

“The four of us!” Kendall says. Kendall and James are about an inch from each other now, in each other’s faces, and Logan wonders how this all started and how many times they’ve already said almost these exact things to each other. Behind him, Carlos makes a small, wounded noise, and then turns around and leaves the room.

“I didn’t do anything Logan didn’t do,” James says, smug and angry. Kendall’s face gets a little redder. Logan cuts Kendall off before he can answer.

“Guys. Carlos left.”

***

Carlos is sitting with his back against the Palmwoods wishing well and his knees pulled in against his body when Logan finds him. He has no idea where Kendall or James went after the disaster earlier, but he’s decided to go after Carlos first. It seems like the easiest conversation in a string of impossibly difficult ones. Plus, he’s pretty sure he owes Carlos the most here.

“Hey,” He says.

“Hi.” Carlos says without looking at Logan.

“Can I sit?” Logan asks, and God, he feels guilty.

“Okay,” Carlos says. Logan sits. It’s an awkward, but he feels like it’s progress already, so he decides to just go for total honesty.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Carlos asks.

“You’re not mad at me?” Logan asks. He knows that Kendall is mad and knows that James is right, that Kendall has no idea why he’s mad, but he’s been pretty sure for awhile now that Carlos is probably in love with James. Knowing this might just make him the worst person alive, all things considered, but still.

“No,” Carlos says, staring at his knees.

“You should be,” Logan says. He’s kind of hoping that maybe if he’s really honest now it will make up for some of this. A little.

“Why?” Carlos asks, “I understand about things being secret.”

“Because it’s ok to be mad at people who kiss the person you’re in love with,” Logan says, it creeps a little beyond honest and into scary things no one ever talks about, but he says it anyway. Carlos looks at him for the first time, eyes huge.

“I can’t,” He says. Logan isn’t sure what that means, what exactly it is Carlos can’t do. So he says,

“You know James’ list of things to do by the time he’s 20?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you know that you’re part of almost all of them? You’re all of some of them,” He says. Carlos grins, just for a second, then puts his head down on his knees and wraps his arms around them.

“Why are you telling me?” He asks, voice a little muffled.

“I thought you should know. “

“I don’t understand. Shouldn’t that,” Carlos stop and looks up again, “Shouldn’t that bother you?” Logan shrugs.

“It probably would if it was anyone but you,” He says. Carlos shakes his head.

“I still don’t understand,” He says.

“I don’t think I do either. And I’m a genius,” Logan says. They sit in silence for a few minutes, but it’s not a bad silence, and Logan is pretty sure that this is going really, really well. Or, at least it’s going well compared to how terribly things went earlier. So he’s grateful. After a little while Carlos turns to look at Logan again, biting his lip like he’s been thinking a million things.

“Logan?” He starts, “I used to think that all four of us would just be friends forever, like that it would just always be us and it would always be just like it was when we were twelve But, we’re a band now and James left that one time, and I think about things, and then you and James and it’s not going to be that easy, is it?”

“We were never going to stay twelve forever,” Logan says, even though knows exactly what Carlos means. He just has no idea what the actual answer is. (He has that one probably impossible thought, but he knows it’s not an answer. Not today or anytime soon at the very least.)

“I know. I just didn’t think being older would feel so different. Or that,” Carlos trails off.

“Or that what?”

“Or that we’d have to try,” Carlos finishes, stretching his legs out a little.

“Try what?” Logan asks.

“Try to stay us.”

***

James is pacing the first floor storage room when he hears footsteps and breathing that he knows belong to Logan. He opens the door just wide enough to grab for Logan as he passes, pulling him and shutting the door behind them. It’s one of those things they’ve gotten really good at lately.

“Hey,” He breathes. He’s pretty sure he’s never needed anything in his life as much as he needs to touch Logan right now and today has already been way too heavy for him to even begin to think about what that means.

“Hi,” Logan says, and he doesn’t seem to be furious, so James gives himself permission to put a hand on Logan’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” He says.

“I know.”

“Kendall just pissed me off and I,” James stops and shakes his head.

“Yeah. You have a temper and you’re impulsive. I get it,” Logan says.

“Are you mad?”

“Only a little. What did you say before I got there? What happened?” Logan asks, James tries not to wince. Because even if Logan isn’t really mad now, he might be if he hears everything went down earlier.

“It was bad,” James says.

“I figured.”

“We were fighting. He started it. And then we were fighting about this,” James stop and pulls down his shirt a little and Logan closes his eyes a little and nods, “and then he wouldn’t let it go, and he was on top of me and then-” James stops. He’s not always good with words- he’s not Kendall- and he doesn’t know how say the next part without making Logan hate him forever.

“And then?” Logan prompts. His eyes are still closed and his arms are crossed like he’s bracing himself.

“He might have kissed me. And I might have gotten really mad at him and told him he was an asshole and an idiot and then I might have said that I’ve had sex with you and he hasn’t,” James says, all in one breath.

“Oh my God,” Logan says.

“Are you mad now?”

“I don’t know yet!” Logan says, but he sounds mad. His face is all red and his eyes are open now. He shrugs James’ hand off his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” James repeats. Logan scowls.

“He kissed you?” Logan asks, all the weight on the last word.

“He kissed me,” James repeats.

“And that’s all?”

“Yes! He was on top of me. His hips were on mine and so there was a second when it, when I didn’t stop it as soon as I should have,” He admits, figuring that’s close enough to the truth that it counts. Logan doesn’t need every detail, “but I did stop it. Stopped him.”

“Was there a bomb?” Logan asks, all cold and slow and mocking and James does wince this time.

“That’s not fair,” He says, even if part of him feels like he might deserve that. Logan sighs and closes his eyes again.

“I know,” He says, “I’m not mad at you. Not really.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I mean, I am, but no madder than I am at myself,” Logan says. James nods.

“And Kendall?”

“I didn’t get that far yet,” Logan says, hanging his a little and looking kind of defeated. James is sorry he asked. He reaches out and pulls Logan in by his belt loops.

“Hey,” He whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Logan repeats. He looks up, and James takes the opportunity to lean down and kiss him like he’s wanted to all day. Like he’s needed to. For a second Logan doesn’t respond and James is afraid he’s going to push him away, because he’s mad and because they really shouldn’t be doing this anymore, but then Logan kisses back, hard and aggressive. James hadn’t planned on anything more than a kiss, for now anyway, even he knows they should probably talk about a million things, but as soon as they start he can’t help himself. It feels like Logan can’t either. A quick kiss turns into James’ back against the wall and his hands under Logan’s shirt in what feels like no time at all.

He runs his hands over Logan’s chest, around his stomach, up to his collar and then back down to his hipbones, as Logan pushes against him more, so their hips are aligned and their legs are slotted and the stucco wall is so sharp against James’ back that it almost hurts.

It all almost hurts. It’s desperate and rushed and like they’ve cracked something, like this is the first time in years and they’ve giving into a long held in need- even though it’s honestly been less than a day.

Logan has his hands in James’ hair, tugging a little as he slides through, as he pushes his hips against James’, as they keep kissing frantically. James needs more, so much more. He runs his hand down to Logan’s jeans, to the places on his thighs he can reach and then to his belt, unbuckling it as fast as he can. He pulls away from Logan’s mouth, licks his neck, and then kneels down, his back scraping against the wall as goes, pausing to lick little spots on Logan’s stomach and hips where his shirt has bunched up before getting all the way down and pulling Logan’s pants and boxers down with him.

Logan groans a little, and James runs his hands up and down Logan’s legs a little more before diving in for real. He puts one hand on Logan, and then his mouth, his tongue, hitting all the spots, doing all the things he knows Logan loves. Normally there is more of a tease here, normally James builds to his tongue and to taking Logan in his mouth like this, but today it feels like they’re running out of time, so he skips the teasing and goes straight for the pattern, the slow and deep in and out that always gets Logan.

James keeps it up as Logan shakes above him, as Logan grips James’ head, as Logan swears a little and then gasps. The gasp is always a sign to go faster, a sign that the Logan is dangerously close, so James speeds up, and Logan’s knees start to buckle a little and then he’s coming and swearing for real and mixing in James’ name into his swears and squeezing his shoulder.

James loves him like this, fucking loves to watch Logan fall apart like this, loves to watch how red he is and how fast he breathes. He stands up, slowly, and puts a hand on Logan’s chest to feel how fast his heart is beating, because he loves that too.

When Logan’s breathing goes back to normal and he reaches his hand down for James’ belt and pants, James already really far gone. He’s already so worked up, so turned on, so everything from today, from earlier with Kendall a million emotions and watching Logan that it’s almost embarrassing how quickly he comes. Logan hardly has time to touch him at all before he’s done. Then again, it’s not like Logan had lasted very long either. It’s been a long day for both of them.

He fixes his clothes and Logan does the same and then James sinks down to the floor and pulls Logan down with him. He lays down, because even sitting takes too much energy, and Logan puts his head on James’ lap, and they just lay there like that for awhile. James thinks maybe they should just stay.

***

Logan must doze off, because he startles a little when James’ leg twitches under him, and it takes him a minute to remember where they are and why.

“I talked to Carlos,” He says, and he’s honestly totally forgotten until right now.

“Yeah?” James asks and the way he says it so full of hope that Logan is almost jealous for a second. Even if that’s ridiculous. (Or not ridiculous at all? He’s losing track.)

“Yeah,” He says, and then pauses, “We might be terrible people.”

“Really terrible,” James agrees.

“You should talk to him,” Logan says.

“I know.”

“I told him about your list, your ‘To Do By Twenty’ list.”

“You did?” James asks.

“I did. I also told him I was sorry because I knew how he felt about you.”

“I don’t know how he feels about me,” James says, sad and kind of self pitying. Logan rolls his eyes.

“Yes. You do.”

“This is weird,” James says. Sometimes, Logan thinks James might actually not know, or not be sure, when it comes to Carlos, but he’s never really understand that because he’s always seen it.

“I know. Carlos didn’t understand why I could tell him things like that, why it didn’t bother me,” Logan says.

“It doesn’t bother you at all?”

“Maybe a little. More than it should, I think. But it’s Carlos,” Logan admits. James nods.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Logan says.

“If Kendall knew why he was angry- when he knows why he’s angry, and he tells you things we’ve all know for years,” James stops, “when that happens, then you two ride off into the sunset and this is done, isn’t it?”

“It would have to be,” Logan admits, not sure why it hurts so much to say something they’ve both always known.

“Yeah,” James says, looking anywhere but at Logan.

“You’d do the same thing for Carlos,” Logan points out.

“I know,” James says, “But sometimes I wish we didn’t have to.”

“Maybe,” Logan starts, but he doesn’t let himself finish, doesn’t think today is a good day to entertain crazy ideas. He knows what James means, though, knows exactly what it’s like to want someone with all you have, but still want to kiss someone else for the rest of your life too. He’s not sure if that’s selfish or naive or just insane.

“Maybe we don’t have to?” James fills in, “like, sometime in the future?” Logan blinks at him.

“What?” He asks.

“Hey, you’re not the only one who can google big words polyamory,” James says, grinning a little. When he says it, Logan’s heart does this leaping thing and he has never wanted it to be an actually possibility more than at this moment, because right now he’s pretty positive that he really is in love with James.

***

Logan doesn’t know where he’s headed as he walks through the lobby later. He doesn’t quite have the courage to find Kendall yet, and he’s pretty sure he and James need some space, at least for a few hours. So he’s just kind of walking aimlessly when he bumps, almost literally, into Camille, and it occurs to him that maybe she should know about some of this too.

“Logan!” She enthuses, and he braces himself for her attack hug.

“Hey, Camille,” He says when she lets him go, “Can I talk to you about something?” They don’t really talk, especially since they’re not dating anymore. Their relationship is mostly attack hugs and random dances at a handful of various Palmwoods functions. Still, she is a part of all of this, he’s pretty sure.

“Of course!” She says, grabbing his hands and leading him over to one of the couches in the mostly deserted Palmwoods lobby. “What’s up?”

“I kind of feel there is something I should tell you that I maybe should have told you months ago,” He says, and it might come out a little squeaky. This is harder than he thought it would be.

“Is that about you and Kendall?” Camille asks, and Logan’s mouth drops open, “because he should really break up with Jo first, but you always smell like other boy, and not just in a, you-live-with-three-of-them way, and I mean, it’s pretty obvious from how you look at him.”

“I- You knew?” Logan manages, stunned even though he’s always thought Camille might be sort of onto him.

“Honey. Of course I did,” She says. Logan shakes his head and grins a little and then remembers that she was a little off. Possibly more than a little.

“That’s not totally accurate, though.”

“Really? I was close though, right?” She asks, grinning.

“You were close. But, Kendall’s not cheating on Jo or anything, he’s not doing anything. I, um. James.” Logan admits.

“James?” Camille asks, “Really?”

“For awhile now.”

“I guess I can see that,” Camille says, frowning a little.

“I mean. Kendall is still Kendall. And I still, I always. But James,” Logan says, and God, he’s really terrible with explanations and words in general when he has to say them to girls.

“Huh. What about Carlos?” She asks.

“Do you know everything?” Logan asks.

“I’m a girl,” Camille says, as if that explains everything. Maybe it does.

“What?”

“Well. Boys are stupid,” She says. Logan wants to be offended, but today has been ridiculous, so maybe she’s right.

“Oh.”

“So is there like, a four of you thing? Like, do you ever, all of you? Because actually, that’s kind of really hot.” Camille says, trailing off like she’s picturing _things._ Logan is pretty sure he turns bright red.

“Hey!” He says, and all his internet research doesn’t stop him from being scandalized by her reaction. “No! and don’t think about. That.”

“Oh, Logan,” Camille says, giggling a little. He’s pretty sure she hasn’t stopped thinking about it. It makes want to sink hide under the couch.

“You really always knew?” Logan says, both because he wants to change the subject and because he really wants to know.

“I always knew.”

“So then why me? Why the kisses and the hugs and the dating?” He asks. Camille smiles, but it’s a little sad.

“Because sometimes I want Jo and Kendall to break up just as much as you do? And I’m an actress,” She says, shrugging.

It takes Logan a minute, but when he gets it hits him pretty hard.

“So. Is Jo?” He asks, because he’s never even considered that, and he’s not sure how he feels about it if it’s true. In some ways, it makes all this worse.

“I’m never sure. But I hope so,” Camille says.

“So you’re waiting?”

“Mostly,” She says. Logan nods. He knows the feeling.

***

It takes two days for James to work up the nerve to talk to Carlos. Which is ridiculous, considering all the ballsy things he’s said lately. Still, the thought of seeing Carlos sad and knowing it’s all his fault has been more than he was ready to deal with. So he waits it out for a few days, avoiding Logan so it’s easier to fight the need to touch him, and ignoring Kendall, because he’s still genuinely mad at him, even if he shouldn’t be. They all skip a rehearsal and Gustavo is furious, but Logan tells him all they have a terrible stomach bug. Mrs. Knight doesn’t know what’s going on, but she’s awesome and must know it’s nothing good, so backs them up and tells Gustavo they all look terrible and must need lots of rest.

He catches Carlos in their room, Carlos is pulling on a hoodie and it’s the first time James has seen him in more than passing in days. He’s missed him.

“Hey,” He starts. Carlos turns. He bites his lip and looks up at James, and then walks over to him and kisses him without saying a word. It’s quick and small, just a brush of lips, but it makes James’ heart do this is crazy thing where it takes up like, his entire body.

“I had to,” Carlos says when he pulls back. He’s shaking and James wants to hold him forever.

“I’m glad,” James says.

“I don’t know what to do,” Carlos says.

“About what?”

“About anything. You.”

“We could hug,” James says. He’s pretty sure Carlos was thinking a little more long term than that, but whatever. He also really looks like he needs a hug.

“Ok,” Carlos says, and then he kind of falls into James and James wraps his arms around him, tight. “This is all really hard,” Carlos says, his head against James’ chest.

“I know,” James says, and then, because he owes it Carlos and because it’s true, he says, “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a really time, I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel about you for a really long time.”

“Tell me now?”

“I’m in love with you,” James says. He knows the _in_ part is really important there. So he stresses it and squeezes Carlos again as he says it.

“Me too,” Carlos says, his face still buried in James chest, “with you. I think I always have been.”

“Yeah?” James asks, and he wonders if Carlos can feel how his heart has sped up. Carlos looks up then but he’s still kind of frowning, his eyes are still a little bit sad.

“Are you in love with Logan?” He asks. James swallows.

“Sometimes,” He admits.

“And Kendall?” Carlos asks.

“What about Kendall?” James asks, not sure exactly what Carlos is asking.

“Are you in love with Kendall too? Sometimes?” Carlos asks. From anyone else that would have sounded cruel and bitter, but from Carlos it’s just an honest question, sad, but honest, and smart like he’s been thinking so much in the past few days that now he understands this all better than any of them. James rocks back on his heels a little but doesn’t let go of Carlos.

“I don’t know,” He says. Carlos nods.

“Ok,” He says, and then, “Can I kiss you again?”

James kisses him first. He doesn’t push, doesn’t make it last longer than he’s sure Carlos is comfortable with, but it’s real and kind of perfect. Carlos puts his head back on James’ chest when they pull back.

“What’s gonna happen?” Carlos asks after a minute, looking back up at James.

“I have no idea,” James says.

“We’re gonna be ok though, right? All of us?” Carlos asks, and James says the first thing he thinks of, the only thing he can.

“We have to be.”

***

By the next day, James is kind of worried that Logan and Kendall might never speak to each other again. Which would really kind of ruin the whole being ok thing, so he decides he should do something about it. He’s not sure what, since Logan is the smart one and fixing things is Kendall’s job, but he’s pretty sure he should try. (Plus, all of this is kind of his fault anyway. Or at least mostly his fault. So he has to try, really.)

“Kendall,” He says, barging into Kendall and Logan’s room without knocking. He knows Logan is out, knows none of them have done more than nap and get dressed in their rooms for days anyway, knows they’ve all been sneaking most of their sleep on couches in hallways throughout the Palmwoods when they’ve slept at all, because sleep is hard right now and being in their rooms for too long is harder.

Kendall is sitting on his bed, holding the old guitar he fools around with sometimes. He doesn’t look up.

“What?” He says.

“I need to ask you something,” James says.

“I’m actually not talking to you.” Kendall says, “so you’re out of luck.”

“You’re already talking to me. It’s a little late.” Kendall looks up and glares at him. “Come on, hear me out,” James says.

“What?” Kendall repeats, still glaring. James figures that’s as good as it’s going to get, and that what he’s about to do might actually make things worse, so he just goes for it.

“Do remember that time in 8th grade when we were in your basement with that wine I stole from my kitchen after the first round of hockey playoffs?” James asks. Kendall just glares harder, so James presses on, “and we got drunk for the first time, all four of us, and then you suggested we spin the empty bottle even though we didn’t have girls? Remember?”

“Yes. I remember.” Kendall says, still glaring, but it’s the most James has heard him say in days. Which has to count for something.

“Do you ever think about it now?”James asks.

“Maybe.”

“I do. I think you do too. I think we all do,” James says, and he’s pretty sure that if they all make it through this there won’t be anything left from him to be scared of ever again, because living through saying all of this is way, way scarier than flat hair or Gustavo’s alligator or that time Hawk tied them to chairs.

“So?” Kendall asks.

“So, I also think you’re not mad at me for keeping secrets, not really,” James says.

“Why am I mad at you then, James?” Kendall asks.

“Because Logan and I had a secret together. Because It was Logan. Because Logan is yours.”

“Mine?”

“Because you’re in love with him and you always have been,” James says. Kendall’s mouth drops a little.

“I’m dating Jo,” He says, as if that matters even a little.

“So?”

“So I’m dating Jo!” Kendall protests.

“Dude. Come on,” James says, “Are you really going to tell me I’m wrong?” Kendall blinks, then he puts down his guitar and stands up and takes a few steps towards James.

“So, what? Did you come in here to taunt me more, to tell me you think I want Logan but I can’t have him because you do?” Kendall asks.

“No. God, you’re bad at this. If you want Logan all you’ve ever had to do is tell him,” James says.

“But. What about you two?” Kendall asks, and James thinks he honestly still might not get it.

“He’s in love with you,” James says. He almost adds, _”we all are.”_ But decides against it. He’s pretty sure Kendall couldn’t handle it right now. Kendall turns away, he sits down back down on the bed and picks his guitar back up and frowns a little. Like he’s thinking. It’s not a confession or anything, but he’s not yelling or calling James a liar either. James thinks that might be as good as it gets. He’s turning to leave and let Kendall think when Kendall calls out,

“Hey, James?”

“Yeah?” James says, not turning around.

“Thank you,” Kendall says.

***

Two days later they all make it to rehearsal again, their smiles are kind of fake and things are tense, but at least they can all be in the same room. It’s a start.

***

A week later Kendall and Jo breakup. Logan hears about it from Camille and not Kendall, but it still feels like a ray of hope. Logan clings to it, and it’s the first time he’s clung to anything but James in a really long time.

***

Two weeks after that, James and Kendall start having actual conversations again, and Carlos doesn’t look as sad, and sometimes Logan is pretty sure he catches James and Carlos holding hands under tables and sneaking off. He wills himself to be happy for them.

Carlos pulls him aside one afternoon, his eyes big and excited.

“Hey,” he says, tugging on Logan’s sleeve, “I just wanted you to know that I think it’s a good idea.”

“You think what’s a good idea?” Logan asks.

“All four of us,” Carlos says. Logan wonders how much he knows, how much James has told him. He’s pretty sure it doesn’t matter.

“Really?”

“One day,” Carlos says. Logan grins,

“It’s crazy talk.”

“It’s us,” Carlos says. He has a point.

***

Three weeks and four days after breaking up with Jo, Kendall pushes Logan against a wall one day and kisses him until they’re both out of breath and shaking.

“I’m an asshole and I’m sorry,” Kendall says, and all Logan can manage to say back is,

“I love you.”

***

Six weeks after their first real kiss, James and Carlos start sharing a bed pretty much every night. It’s warm and happy and they whisper crazy things back and forth about all the things they’ll do one day once they’ve really made it. Once they’re really famous. Things like buy a big house with Kendall and Logan. They’re really, really good plans.

***

Almost two months after the day Kendall and James kissed and fought, the four of them spend all day playing hockey. Then they come home and eat fish sticks and drink chocolate milk and squeeze onto the couch together and it is so close to everything being ok again that James gets carried away and hugs Kendall. He doesn’t pull away.

***

Four days after that, Kendall challenges them all to a random prank-off, which is Kendall speak for total forgiveness.

***

Six months after the day they fell apart and on the night their latest single makes it to number three on the actual, real world charts and they learn they have interviews on nationwide talk shows coming up and then they’re off on tour again, Gustavo actually buys them alcohol and sends them home with it. Kendall sits in the middle of the floor, newly empty bottle in hand, and looks at all three of them.

“I was thinking we should celebrate,” he says, looking a little tipsy and smirking.

“We are celebrating,” Carlos says, from his spot on James’ lap.

“No,” Kendall says, “We should do it like this.”

And then he lowers his hand, puts the bottle on the floor and spins it.

***


End file.
